Dress I got from this wonderful lady, Seychelles heels, thrifted sweater, homemade hair, vintage earrings.Sometimes I don't know what to think about everything. And by everything I guess I mean irritatingly amorphously huge life-questions, like what is my place in the world, or why am I doing what I'm doing. I do think it feels odd to go from my work, where I'm routinely assumed to be a teenager, to the doctor-bar here in this doctor-town, where some 50ish dude last night said he thought I was 35. For serious? I mean, actually, the 35 part doesn't really get me down, and I guess he's not all that wrong, and I guess it doesn't even really insult me because why should some dude's assumption about my age insult me when I wouldn't even know how old I am if I met me? I feel 35 sometimes. Sometimes I feel 18. Last night I felt about 25 and happy and loved because I have friends who actually call me after work to hang out with them! And this morning I feel ancient because I didn't drink enough water last night, and my skin feels papery and full of tired energy. Also I feel like I need a berry smoothie.
I think one of the things that gets me down about both these assumptions (teenager, 35) is often men seem to think it's their prerogative to comment on women's appearance. Because we are women, our appearance is public spectacle, and as such is subject to their verbal appraisal, to our faces, whether or not we are in a bar, whether or not we work in "public" job (like in a bookstore. Or hell, even if we're doctors. Maybe especially then). The other day, I was working at the cash-register, and an older man approached with his purchases. He watched me for a moment, then he said "You're built just like my wife. Long, thin limbs. You probably couldn't gain weight if you tried." I was sort of shocked, although I don't know why -- this sort of thing happens all the time, to me and to every girl I know. But it still astounded me that this man (and men like him) supposed I'd want to hear his estimation of my body and my metabolism, that he thought I'd like to know that I'd never gain weight; his wife has been a "runt all her life." Runt. That is what he called me. But then he winked and qualified it by saying "Of course, that's a good thing." Of course it is! You're using a word with negative connotations to my face, after visibly taking stock of me and assessing my worth! OMG, thank you so much!
Maybe it's hypocritical to complain about this on a blog where I post photos of myself in fancy clothes. But I put pictures on my blog to share with my readers and I want your opinions of my outfits and my text -- that's why I have comments open. Here, here is a place for opinions, because I consider you all my interweb friends and we share a common interest: dressing up. But dressing up is not dressing for men, and vanity (because sure, I'm vain) is not the same as sexuality. The majority of my readers are female and the majority of those females are all too aware of the complexities of female value in our culture. Eg: I like looking pretty. Doesn't mean I like dudes. I'm wearing a dress and have long hair: that is not a free pass to comment on my appearance, for good or ill, whether you think you're "complimenting" me or not. If I have short hair and am wearing a t-shirt and jeans and you assume I'm a lesbian, this is still not a pass to comment on my appearance. If I am overweight: sorry, it's not appropriate. If you think my breasts are small, or large, or if you think I need to get my bangs trimmed, or you think my necklace looks like a penis and so you actually reach out and touch my chest to finger the necklace (yes, this happened two weeks ago): OMG you guys, it's still not okay to say something!
This sentiment has been expressed multitudinous times and in more eloquent ways than I have space to do it here, but suffice it to say that while I surely enjoy feeling beautiful and even sexy, those warm and pleasant feelings are not created by anyone other than myself. We all know this. If you're having a down-day, everyone in the world can tell you that you look great and none of it means a lick. What's such a shame is that because girls are raised in this evaluatory culture, we derive so much of our personal power and worth from these banal assessments by people who don't even know us. (Prime example: dudes who catcall when we walk down the street (nice short post about that here, please check it out). I don't know. Sometimes it just seems like loving ourselves and our bodies -- without the sticky glaze of masculine approval/disapproval -- is damn near impossible, if only because their feelings about women are always apparent and always, always more socially validated than women's feelings about themselves. I don't know. But I'm trying.
17 comments:
Excellent post! And for what it's worth, I think you're lovely inside and out and simply adore your costumery.
xoxo,
~Olivia
you look like a victorian queen here. these pictures are stunning! and i especially love your hair.
the tattoo is of 3 sparrows in flight. i have 2 sisters so it's for the 3 of us and the bob marley song "three little birds". :) i showed the whole thing in my free people blog post! here's the link:
http://indieelectronicalternative.blogspot.com/2011/04/girlsme-free-at-last-my-bra-arrived.html
Yes, yes, and yes to all this. I don't think it's hypocritical at all, either. You've opened up a forum for discussion by posting here, but that doesn't happen when a person walks down the street. Also, we're supposed to be talking about the clothes on fashion blogs, not scrutinizing people's bodies.
By the way, I love your hair in these pics. Wonder if I can find a tutorial for something similar.
Why is it so hard to stop dressing for the approval of others? and why do men think it is appropriate to comment on a womans weight, age, or hair in any way other than to say that it is perfect?
And WHY do these negative comments sick with us so much longer than any of the positive ones?
Just want to say: this drives me nuts, too. Here I am, living my life on my own terms, and some person wants to bust in with a commentary. Something I do try to keep in mind, though, is that, really, people say the stupid things they say because they want to connect with me and do not know how to do it smartly. It's not always easy to do when someone seems bigoted or presumptuous in his or her comments but sometimes I find that people like something but don't have an easy familiarity with it so they don't know how to interact with it.
I have this internet friend who is a very nice lady with honorable intentions. But she has presumed that I am Jewish and the first thing she said to me about it was: "I worked for a dentist who was Jewish." And now she sends me "Jewish" things from time to time, like the link to the Maccabeats doing "Candlelight," and a YA book (we both read a lot of YA) about a bat mitzvah, and saying shalom to me. Initially, I found all of this baffling and kind of offensive and uncomfortable. There are misunderstandings of ME and of Jewish culture. But it's actually just that this woman is interested in these things and does not know how to connect to them in normal, comfortable ways yet. She means well but the experiences that got her where she is are so drastically different from the ones that got me where I am. Likely there are not as many Jews or Jewish culture in Montgomery, AL or on any of the military bases on which she has resided throughout her life.
I don't think strangers should feel welcome to make comments that, it turns out, offend me. I think they should take greater care with how they approach people, especially when they are trying to make a positive connection with them. But I do think that (since I'm awesome and you're awesome) often what people are trying to do is make positive connections and I like to try a little harder every day to be open to those connections.
I know the place I went with this isn't where you were going with it so I apologize for my tangential direction and thank you for making me think. :)
Beautiful dress! Yellow is so right for spring and summer and the mini dots makes it so cute:) Reminds me of what I wore in the "When reality slips away" post some days ago. Check is out if you like:)
Love Änglamark.
As you know, I've experienced a lot of rude strangers remarking on my very being this week and although it was offputting and caused me to question both myself and society, I cannot fathom how I would put up with some stranger "complimenting" me like that. It's almost worse than being told off by someone because they think it's okay to comment on someone's body image like it's helping the person to hear this when really its objectifying the person. It's like they assume your whole self worth is built up on stranger's compliments or that beauty/fashion is the only thing you value about yourself. It's an unfair and uncomfortable summation of someone that doesn't bring people closer together, it makes them feel uneasy. I've lately found more men looking at me and I have to say instead of it being flattering it makes me nervous. Am I showing too much? Is my skirt up by accident? Are they going to hit on me? Each option sounds more terrifying. I was recently out at a bar with 3 female friends enjoying myself and then I had this panic about returning to the US this summer and not being able to go out to bars without being hit on, which is silly. But I should be able to enjoy myself without having some pompous jerk try and validate me when really I don't need said validation and it makes me feel awkward.
I love the colours you're wearing here, you look so lovely.
I can't believe some of the comments that people have made to you. I can only assume things are worse in the US as this rarely happens in the UK (apart from compliments which are more likely to come from a woman than a man).
I think your points are very valid, maybe you should share them with the next man who foists his opinion on you.
You did it again. Wrote a post that leaves me brimming with words and not quite sure where to start.
I think I will comment on the fact you brought up that fashion blogging often is for women. I think I find safety in that. I know some guys check it out but primarily it is a place for women to discuss and peruse. I think if more guys read it, I would constantly feel the need to keep what I wear and how I pose in check (I do already but then ever more so), don't know if that is a positive or negative effect... it's just the way it is though.
Thank you for all your insightful comments! I have a bit of an addendum -- today, while I was at work, a man approached my coworker (who is an athlete and very toned and physically fit) and began to ask her about her gym routine. She replied that she ran ten miles every other day. And he was like, "Ah, so THAT'S why you look the way you do. That and you obviously don't eat." To which she acted a little shocked, as she should have been. And she said, "Actually, I eat a lot. I have to, otherwise I wouldn't be able to run ten miles every other day." And when he left she told me that his comment hurt her feelings. These things make us second guess ourselves. Not an hour before, she'd been telling me how happy she was with her appearance, finally, and I said she looked great and she SHOULD be happy. Then some dude comes along and without provocation comments on her and brings her down. I guess one could make the argument that we shouldn't be so sensitive, but really we're NOT -- if I actually let this stuff bother me, I probably wouldn't leave the house. It's just...rude, is all. Plain intrusive and rude.
Great hair style!!!! Like your wonderful outfit!Follow you)Follow me?
what a beautiful ensemble. something about that dress just makes me happy...the pale yellow, the little dots, front ruffle, chiffon fabric. it exudes prettiness and spring. of course you wear it really well. i love the hair, too.
this theme surely hits home for all women. and comments like the ones you received always catch us off guard.
when i was about 25, i had this sweet laura ashley empire-waist dress. i loved that dress, which cost a pretty penny in those days. i wore it to work one day when a customer i was assisting- a woman- asked me, out of the blue, "are you pregnant?" well...i wasn't. she said that my dress looked maternity but she didn't even seem embarrassed.
and later, when i lived in the caribbean, some of the local men...omg...i won't even go there! i'll just get angry. suffice it to say that women are only sex objects in the eyes of many a west indian man- at least the islands where i lived. i was grabbed, groped, propositioned, in public. yes, it was humiliating and infuriating. some of my well-meaning friends would try to educate the offenders that such behavior is unacceptable to most women. the only thing other to do was politely but firmly say "oh gosh, that's nice, but no thank you". repeatedly, because they beg. (i learned that "i'm married" didn't work!)
so, yeah...i hear you, julia. and as i've grown older, i've learned to handle most tactless and unnecessary gestures somewhat better. (the west indian men, i eventually learned to ignore.)
on a more positive note, i think sometimes folks just want to pay a compliment but they just don't know how. "that's a pretty dress" is not hard to say, but- strangely enough- it eludes some people, and they end up sticking their foot in their mouth. it shouldn't be so hard to be respectful and discrete, right? or, hey, here's an idea: how about keeping those thoughts to yourself. :)
wow- long comment, oops! xoxo
Yup. Yes yes and right again. It doesn't matter what I do - I got old lady glasses, I cut my hair off so I look like a boy, I stomp the nyc streets like I'm angry, I smack my food, stopped wearing makeup, purposely got overweight, slouch, shove, curse... and men approach me still. they holler. they sit down next to me and try to put my number in their phone. They tell me they love me, act dumbstruck at my body, mumble suggestive things... and I have no idea why. But there is nothing I can do to deter them. The shittier I look when I leave in the morning, the more I get hounded. And when I tell them I'm gay, they feel they need to convinve me they can fuck me better than anyone else, that they can prove to me that I'm not gay because of their sexual prowess.
to the point I have decided I am not interested in sex at all.
I guess I can be lucky I live in a country where men almost don't comment on your looks. Maybe once in a half year some drunk will say something and that's it. No catcallings. Of course, there are stares. But thanks goodness that's the limit. Sometimes it's good to live up north where people are so introvert and shy.
So, all I can say - keep cool! Be strong! They're a$$h***s!
An addendum to my earlier statement is a study in comparison:
Nothing strikes me more then the difference between telling non artists that I am a figure model, and actually being in a teaching environment, physically nude. When attending industry events or dinner parties,theatrical events, or even at the bank listing my source of income, I always get the exact same reaction from men when they hear what I do for a living. I like stating it because it shocks people, but everysingle man but maybe one does an immediate full body scan with a look in their eye that clearly identifies that they are picturing me naked. not nude, as that is too class for the stupid grin, but naked.
When I am at work, however, it is something different altogether. I am an object, yes, but one made up of light and shadow, of shape and mass, structure, bony landmarks... and devoid of sexuality. It is a place where I feel safer being in than any other public forum fully clothed. and I love it.
“Boss, you worried? I mean you’re a ‘dude’.”
“Nah, you worried? You’re a dog.”
[Long pause]
“Some men can be punks. Got no self-respect so they try to steal it from others.”
“Can’t steal beauty, Chewey.”
[Another pause, checking out the photos.]
“You’re right, Boss. Maybe I could borrow some?” he says with his doggy-bed eyes.
“You’re cute enough, little guy.”
[Another pause, checking me out.]
“You’ve said things sometimes.”
“Nothing meant to be mean, Chew.”
“I guess.”
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